Bryan Adams: Folk Hero

Just a little thought to get your day started on the right foot...

Arizona lawmakers stave off UN brainwashing

Arizona lawmakers stand firm against this very real danger to our youth's well-being. As Sen. Rob Gould so aptly puts it "We're actually into educating Americans into Americanism, not internationalism."
I'll lift my carafe of Sambucca to that proposition!


Wrong way to answer a reporter

From today's Arizona Republic story on the Police reunion concert:

A pair of fans in their 20s drove over from San Diego to catch the concert.
“They're fun and they're a legend,” said Susie Thomas, 29.

Her friend, Baker Roberts, 29, said he has been a big fan since hearing Every Breath You Take on his mother's car radio as a youngster.

Okay Baker, now we know why you're "just a friend"...

Hot dogs (continued)

Speaking of lewd dogs, many people wonder what has happened to Spuds MacKenzie, former Budweiser mascot. Last we saw of Spuds, she was hitting up Tone Loc's dog, Rover for some Funky Cold Medina... and possibly some action. (She appears at 1:54)

Well, not just possibly. The tests are in, and they have found that the late Spuds and the deadbeat Rover actually did conceive. Their legacy? Well, obviously, the Target dog!

On another note, many of you out there have complained about the absence of recent posts from this blog. Well, to be honest with you, LIJ and I have been mired in the process of moving in together to save on rent. Well, you can imagine the farcical contretemps that ensued as we both realized we were dating the same Austrian milkmaid. Well, we came just short of fisticuffs... and the aftermath? It was difficult to rebuild trust and continue blogging together... until, of course, we realized she had a twin sister!

Blondie haunted by past indiscretions

We have long known the Blondie and Dagwood series of comic strips as a source of male chauvinist stereotyping of women and profligate sandwich-making, but the true assault on America's morals perpetrated by second wave artists Marshall and Young has never bared its canines (so to speak) with greater menace than in yesterday's comics section.

What's next, Dagwood pulling a Portnoy with the pickle loaf? Bleech... disgusting!


Angry Surrender Monkey's Eschatology of the Day

Oh no, is that a space tractor?!? We're all going to die!

Angry Surrender Monkey's Scatology of the Day


Used in a sentence:
Hootie and the Blowfish concert tickets go on sale Friday.

People who love me today

My mother

Arizona's jackrabbit population

Sam the Sham

I've been stewing for three weeks!

Thank you, Monkey, for explaining how we spent the past miserable 21 days. Now I can see why Benicio Del Toro got so angry at Sandra Bullock for stealing Sean Penn's heart while trying to recover from drug and alcohol addiction...

Well, enough said about Chris Noth...

So, I've hated a lot of things since I last checked in. Please see below for a full listing:

Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson.

Live tracks that aren't from Frampton comes alive!
(Have you ever tried to decide whether you're going to stick with the station playing Lionel Richie's "All Nite Long" or switch to the classic rock station playing Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Nite", but then you realize that it's only the live version of the Kiss song, so you have to deal with the fading of the chorus as he points the microphone out into the audience?)
Studio tracks that don't have pre-recorded crowd noise mixed in.

People who, instead of playing Mariachi music, insist on listening to Mariachi music as played by Kronos Quartet.

People who try to talk to you while you're listening to a track off of Who's Next.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving, and it's just at the point where Roger Daltrey is singing "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss!"

People who read poetry by Louise Gluck to teenagers, because they think that it's good for them.
Louise Gluck.

The Decepticons.
Movies based on children's toys.
Movies based on children's toys that were never that cool to begin with.
Movies based on children's toys that nobody's played with in about 25 years; or, if they have, then that's not okay.
Movies based on children's toys that Gianmarco had, but that my parent's refused to buy me.
Gianmarco's Mom.
Maybe Michael Bay was Gianmarco's Mom?

Evan Almighty.

Bite me, Chris Noth!


All the difference between "ywood" and "and"

Oh the indignity of it all!

Chris Noth's Secret Hideout for Evildoing

Oh... I forgot to mention that the reason I got so angry about Chris Noth in my previous post was due to the fact that he captured me and Jew on our special mission to New Mexico. We might have avoided his trap, but our guide hadn't been to Taos in over twenty years. That is the last time we find a guide on "Senior Citizen's Guide to Detroit." Oh, and our villainometer went haywire somewhere around Chaco. Something about the "Ancient Enemy" throwing the whole contraption out of whack... That is the last time we take a 50-year-old villainometer to places where long-dead secrets lie buried and millenial curses lie heavy in the dusty, desert air.

Anyway, this whole Chris Noth thing was terrible. He kept cackling. Then, he tied us to bucket seats and made us watch his movie "The Perfect Man" over and over and over again! Each time he appeared onscreen he would cackle and stentorishly prevail upon us, "I am the Perfect Man!" Then, he wouldn't start the movie again until we repeated, "You are the Perfect Man!"

Then, he made us eat snacks that looked like infants (more on that, later). They were disgustingly sweet, and yet somehow sublime. Not unlike Mr. Noth's portrayal of Zbig in "Sex and the City":

Then, he made us take giant maps of Europe and cross out the A-N-D in "Holland" and replace it with Y-W-O-O-D.

Then, we had to drink Mountain Dew until we could no longer pronounce the word X-Treme without scraping swollen tastebuds off the tips of our tongues.

After a couple of weeks, we managed to escape, all thanks to Jew vomiting over the hemp chord that bound his hands together until the acid from his stomach burned through the knot. The situation was delicate, because Jew was dry-heaving so bad after that courageous effort, that I had to carry him out on my back. (Oh, the irony!)

I know what you're thinking... "Oh, how herring of an adventure!" But the important thing to come out of all this is that we escaped and are now safe and sound and may return to blogging, as per usual. Thanks G_d!

Chris Noth's Evil Lair

"Teenager Holly Hamilton (Hilary Duff) is tired of moving every time her single mom Jean (Heather Locklear) has another personal meltdown involving yet another second-rate guy. To distract her mother from her latest bad choice, Holly conceives the perfect plan for the perfect man.. an imaginary secret admirer who will romance Jean and boost her shaky self-esteem. When the virtual relationship takes off, Holly finds herself having to produce the suitor, borrowing her friend's charming and handsome Uncle Ben(Chris Noth) as the face behind the e-mails, notes and gifts."

DON'T TRUST HIM, HILARY... He'll never make your mother happy! He's NOT "The Perfect Man" (Pixar, 2005), he's just a quintessential Hollywood good guy, who, should he have been born in Amster"DAMN that Harrison Ford!" in Holland -- or, for us Monkeys, Les Pays-Bas (roughly translated as the Netherlands for those not in the know) -- well, he might have ended up playing Satan in some TV miniseries about Jesus.

I am sooo angry!