Quirky Jerky: LIJ's relationship advice for guys

While ASM is busy procrastinating but fierce, I thought I would share with the guys out there, a few things I have learned from my vast experience of the single life. While this may come as a surprise to those women who have long believed that us guys -- yeah, you heard right, guys -- who like to think of themselves as kinda interesting, kinda not in a relationship, kinda not looking to be in a relationship, but not gay, but okay with that; that us guys could not be "Quirky Alone" but we actually do lead satisfying lives in the absence of some stupid girl trying to tell us what to do all the time.

So -- you may call me kooky, or loopy, or liberated -- but I've come up with this new term to describe guys -- yeah, you heard right, guys -- who are not gay, but don't want to be around girls ... at least, not in any legitimating sense of the phrase "to be around." I don't want to go all manifesto and everything, but you hold me to high standards, so I must respond accordingly: Guys, it's all right to be QUIRKY JERKY.

So, you're saying to me: "What does that mean, Quirky Jerky?" Well, quite simply, it is a certain mystique that one must convey in order to drive women away, but without having them think you're gay.

For example, if you really wanted to be alone for a spell in order to catch up on the recently released episodes of Clive Owen's Chancer series, then, you might think about -- say -- growing a moustache. However, that raises the possible ambiguity: Is it a gay moustache? Or is he just kind of a loser? Now, you and I both know the truth, right? But, it's important that we challenge ourselves to not take the easy way out. It might have helped that one time at the Safeway, when you had 16 items in your basket... but you don't want that guy to ask for your number next time you're in the cheese aisle together and wondering if the Manchego is worth the twelve bucks, or should you just settle for a pasteurized Camembert... In these cases, a moustache just doesn't communicate what you need it to. Now a soul patch...

So, what are some important techniques for putting the Quirky Jerky philosophy into action? Well, in today's post, we are going to discuss ways in which you can steer a conversation about music into the depths of lameness beyond which no woman will dare to follow.

My good friend Stendhal once pointed out in a pep talk he gave me that women can really turn any male flaws into charms when under the spell of attraction. (I think he meant that the same would hold true if the genders were reversed, but I can't be certain of that interpretation, especially as I'm paraphrasing now.) Well, many men -- not myself, but people whom I have pretended to know -- would say that this equates with their observation of things. And, it must be true to an extent: an obsession with bad 80s pop would play as charming nostalgia; 70s rock as a kind of hipster irony; death rock as the sign of an interesting childhood and so on. But there must be some music that fails all of these tests; that is irreducible to irony, too horrible to enjoy, and so overtly serious that it will just scare women away without having them doubt your sexuality. There is, and it is a special type of concept rock...

The rule here is, that if it takes longer to explain than to listen to, you have won yourself some Quirky Jerky emancipation. So, whenever you're finding yourself accosted by one of these women who -- ugh -- just don't understand your need for solitude and brooding upon your own productive individuality, and the conversation gets to, "So what kind of music do you like?" My advice is to talk about any one or combination of the following albums:

Warren Zevon Excitable Boy
Rush Moving Pictures (Fly by Night is good too.)
Electric Light Orchestra Time (actually, any album will do)
Yes Close to the Edge
Billy Thorpe Children of the Sun

I am, of course, open to other suggestions.

Next week: Books for the uninteresting narcissist!